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February 23, 2015

Dear Tiki

Tiki The Brave - Berlin 2012

To say that life will not be the same without you is an understatement.  You've been so much a part of my every life for the past 16 years, how could I not feel such loss without you.

Not only in the last few months–where we spent so much time together trying to battle your illness–
but your whole life you have been my constant companion. With the simplest routines of my day you have been there. Every night you climbed into bed, and stayed constant to your routine, nestled on my side.  In the middle of the night when I rolled, or moved just slightly away, you would move up closer to me.  I miss the feel of your fur on my back, your weight, and warmth.  Waking up, you were always the last one up!  I miss your pitter patter as you walked across the floor.  Even in those last weeks, when you grew restless.  Wherever I was, if I left you for too long, you would come to check on me to see what I was doing, before finally settling on a spot in the sun near me.  And how stubborn you were, pushing anyone, and everyone out of the way so you could claim your corner on the couch, under a pillow.  You always preferred your chest petted, or your ears rubbed, and hated it when people tried to pet your head. The summers brought so much joy to you, and I, and I loved snuggling with you in a corner on the floor where you lay in the sunshine.  I loved watching you move into the hot sun on the deck, and then back under the shade of the table.  And those little things, like wiping sand off your nose after a journey to the beach.  Your "bee in the bonnet"; I'll never forget how crazy you would get running all over the house when I took off your harness.  Most dogs liked to go for walks, and get excited when you pull a leash out. You didn't. You liked it best when it came off again.  Oh those last days of summer, when you chased the butterflies on the beach.  You brought us so much joy just watching your enthusiasm.



Whatever I was doing you were always there and now you are a shadow. I look and I think I see you walk by. I still jump when someone runs to sit on the couch to make sure you aren't snuggled underneath a pillow. Imagine the ruckus you survived!  I still go to shut the bedroom doors to make sure you won't go pee on the rug, but then I remember.   When we get ready to leave the house, I worry that you'll be left behind and then I remember you're not here.  We didn't leave you behind, you left us behind.

I know that you are in a place of peace and a place of joy.  I know in the future it will become easier. But it will take time.  Right now I still look for you. I simply just move and I think I see you, or feel you... Or the opposite, that I need to feel you next to me.  I need to feel you against my back so I can sleep.  Because right now, I wake up in the night, still looking for you.

I have never really known what it meant by a broken heart.   I thought I did. But now I do.  It's heavy, it hurts  and it feels like it will break in half.   I know your okay.  It's me is not okay.

Those last minutes together were so special. Just laying there, so peacefully sleeping. My hand on your chest,  your soft warm fur was so soothing it took me back to a whole lifetime of great memories together. I didn't want to say goodbye.



I miss you, I love you, and you will always be near me. I will always carry a part of you with me. I will cherish the memories from your very young beginning in the East Village to your dear old age of 92 in Germany.   Be it running on the beach, chasing the butterflies, or snuggling under the covers and your nice wet kisses, or your waggling rear when you walk... I will always have those as memories

I will always love you Tiki.  I will never say goodbye.


GOOD GRIEF

Good grief, yes, there is such a thing
Eventually, a Lightness it does bring
Be gentle, be soft, as you feel so broken
The power of Love comes unspoken

Divine Love holds all things together
We as humans question whether
But Life knows what It’s doing and Love is Its Light
It brightens and lightens as we take flight

Peace comes, contentment comes, be gentle be kind
Rest your heart and soothe your mind
The human mind is dulled and dazed
But the heart is refilled as you ride the waves

The rendering of Soul to gently restore
A place that is bigger than ever before
To grieve is good for it releases
Eventually through patience and caring, Love increases

Stillness and quiet are a prayer to unfold
As Life’s healing power brings treasures untold
The invitation is to be honest with That which is above
When all is said and done, all there is, is Love

Each moment, each hour of grieving and feeling
Reveals from the Soul the spirit of healing
Be patient, be kind
For good grief takes time


~~~~~~~~~

DeAnna LoCoco 2007
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